Last Sunday’s games finally put two blemishes on my once-pristine record, dropping me to a still-enviable 15-2 for the season. My beloved Bears—those bumbling, stumbling warriors of the Windy City—squeaked past their opponent by a single point after my algorithm predicted a nail-biting half-point victory. For Week 5, my spreadsheets are practically smoking from the calculations, revealing four juggernauts poised to steamroll their competition: the rejuvenated Colts, the roaring Lions, the electrifying Chargers, and the stampeding Bills should all crush opponents by double-digit margins.

Several readers with gambling gleams in their eyes have badgered me to unveil my complete forecast portfolio, despite my warnings that not every prediction warrants a wager. These risk-hungry souls continue ignoring my sage advice, chasing the fool’s gold of parlays and marginal spread bets. Though my spread predictions went an impressive 10-6 last week—enough to fatten any reasonable bettor’s wallet—I still caution against parlay betting’s siren song.

For the insatiably curious, here’s my comprehensive crystal ball reading: Rams trampling by 5, Vikings pillaging by 2, Jets soaring by 4, Saints (yes, those Saints!) squeaking by a mere half-point, Colts galloping to a 20-point massacre, Panthers clawing out 6, Eagles swooping to a 7.5-point victory, Ravens flocking to an 8-point win, Cardinals nesting with an 8-point cushion, Lions devouring by 20, Chargers shocking by 10, Bills stampeding to a 20-point blowout, and Chiefs reigning by 2.

Good Luck to All!